


Stupid Deep

by Septic84



Series: Random one shots [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Songfic, early phan, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:27:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/Septic84
Summary: Song Fic, Jon Bellion, Stupid Deep.Dan and Phil, the earlier years.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: Random one shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568485
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Stupid Deep

As a bullied child grown into a bullied teenager, Dan had said things, done things, and with his actions, he publicly agreed with statements he knew were not true if he were honest. "It's self-preservation." he lied to himself. It wasn't as if there was a handbook for PTSD caused by homophobic children. He couldn't even put into words the things that his childhood had shown him had taught him. One day without knowing how, he had found himself acting as someone else, saying things he didn't believe, so when his audience called out, it didn't surprise him. He had made another version of himself that wasn't true. Back peddling, he said: 

"I hate everything about myself; just ask anyone who knows me." 

_ What if who I hoped to be was always me?  _

That wasn't even a cry for attention; it was the truth. Dan did hate everything about himself, at least he did, then. He had been told time and time again that his followers loved him, he didn't believe them. Dan was told he would be accepted if he was true to himself, that he could be honest. He failed to see how that could be true. So, he continued giving them the character he had made, in hopes they wouldn't see right through him and tear him to bits. 

_ And the love I fought to feel was always free?  _

The older he had gotten, the worse it had gotten. He had tried so hard to be what he thought others wanted him to be while still trying to be "authentically himself," this was a never-ending struggle. He always was watching what he said, how he acted, what his social media presence represented. He knew a lot of it was a lie, but he was scared. Getting the shit beaten out of you will do that. Denying who you are time and time again also takes its toll. 

_ What if all the things I've done, yeah  _

_ Were just attempts at earning  _ _ love? _ _ Yeah  _

_ 'Cause _ _ the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, stupid deep  _

When he had finished school, He was so lost, he had no idea where to go, after he had met Phil it got worse before it got better, as his biggest fear was thrust to the forefront of his head. He debated with himself about actually going, about actually being with Phil. He wanted to go Manchester to be with him, yet fear swirled into his soul, and he wasn't sure that's where he really wanted to be. 

_ What if where I've tried to go was always here?  _

_ And the path I've tried to cut was always clear?  _

He had gone to Uni to study law to impress his family, and He hated it. He was miserable. Phil was the only thing that kept him together, kept him sane. Honestly, he didn't care about his future, a job, a carrier. He just wanted to be safe, loved, accepted. 

_ Why has life become a plan,  _ _ yeah _ __

_ To put some money in my hand?  _

_ When the love I really need is stupid cheap, stupid cheap  _

The first relief he had felt for the first memorable time in his life was when Phil stood by him when he dropped out of Uni. He had had a breakdown as Phil watched his pieces crumble into a mess on the floor. He knew his family was disappointed and assumed the worse of him, but not Phil. Phil never held this against Dan; he only wanted him to be happy, wanted him to be himself. Dan knew he could never do this studying law. He wasn't sure how to be satisfied or content, but Phil reassured him, "Be yourself, Dan. You are a good person, and a law degree isn't going to make you a better person. I think it is the opposite of that. "

_ What if who I hoped to be was always me?  _

When they resurfaced from 2012, Dan couldn't imagine Phil would love and supported him he had before. Dan was so awful to Phil, so neglectful. After all, Phil had been out before they got together, and now Dan refused even to accept himself. How could Phil not hold that against him? Still, he wanted to make an effort to save them. He had also sent Phil flowers, finding himself over-explaining in grammatically flawed text messages, Phil responded, 

"Thank you for the flowers; they were not necessary. I love you, and I forgive you." 

_ And the love I fought to feel was always free?  _

But Dan did not believe him, so he tried and tried so hard to prove to Phil that he was sorry. He would do extra chores, make him his favorite meals, anything that he thought would get Phil back into his good graces. This action was a carryover from his childhood, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this, but he did not acknowledge it. 

_ What if all the things I've done  _

_ Were just attempts at earning  _ _ love? _ _ Yeah  _

After this had gone on for a month, they were in the lounge, and Phil paused the telly. He looked at Dan, 

"Dan, you know you don't have to earn my love. My love comes with no stipulations, no strings." 

"How can that be true. I know what I did to you, what I am doing," 

"Dan," 

"No Phil, it isn't fair, I know it isn't. I just," He bowed his head. "I can't stop." 

"I've forgiven you, Dan. I love you; do you not know how love works?" Dan shook his head, "It works like this, I forgive you. I empathize with you; I take care of you. Things were hard for you; I understand that, Dan. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I wish that I could make you understand because I don't know how else to tell you. I don't know why you can't believe me." 

Dan smiled sadly, squeezing Phil's knee. "I will try," 

_ 'Cause _ _ the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, oh, stupid deep.  _

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first songfic.  
> Also, as my company was bought out and closed, I am seeking prompts to keep my mind busy and I am now unemployed for the time being.  
> Please go to:  
> [Septic84](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/septic84)


End file.
